Hi, Welcome. I'm so glad you're here.
I'm Steven Budden
Welcome to this training on fixing your relationship problems... or healing your relationship patterns.
I'm going to walk you through three of the core problems that people just like you have in relationship, and then walk you through the solutions.
You can use this to save an existing relationship, leave one that you know in your heart you should leave, or start a new one.
These fundamental tools will follow you throughout your life.
It's designed around intimate relationships, of course, however, every relationship in your life will be affected. Are you ready?
Again, I'm Steven Budden. I broke my neck in 2008 and when I crawled out of the water, I was awakened to life in a new way. This came on the heals of another awakening experience a few years earlier. To tell you the truth, I was not living in alignment. I still fell into another co-dependent, sufferable relationship (sound familiar?)
So the ocean rose up to help me. I was crushed. I was broken.
I'd been a starving artist, in an emotionally abusive relationship, broke financially and spiritually.
Now I'm a successful healer, coach, consultant, writer, in a fulfilling relationship with two beautiful kids.
What's the difference?
Well I'm going to walk you through the steps I took to make this massive change. And the steps I've taken clients through for the last 10 years.
I distilled everything into this process, this protocol, I call it the Rapture Protocol, earlier this year.
So let's dive in...
You know in your heart that so much more impossible, don't you? Even if you've been jaded, heartbroken time and time again, disappointed?
Even if you've given up hope.
Don't worry. Giving up hope is sometimes empowering, because it creates a clearing to create something else.
First, let's see where you are. I want you to rank your current and last few relationships in a basic number, from one to 10. Just write down the names, and write the number next to it. Ok?
Now, look at the median or the average of those numbers.
That's where you've lived in relationship.
We need to raise that bar a little bit. Even if it is 'decent', we can still raise the bar.
Now, I'm different than most practitioners in this area, because I see things as more holistic. Ever since my experiences of awakening, everything is connected. And when I started to heal my broken neck, I found that it was really just sort of a surfacing of an old would, a core wound.
So, that's what this is to you.
First let's define a relationship.
One one level, an intimate relationship is an agreement. two people come together and decide to share their resources (spiritual, financial, emotional, whatever) as an exchange.
Now, let's jump right into the existential, human piece of the equation.
How present are you right now?
I say this because... most people are not in relationship with the person in front of them in the moment.
They're in relationship with a concept, almost a fiction. Someone you met reminded you of some ideal, and you got into a relationship with them, because it seemed like a natural thing, and they didn't live up to the ideal, and here you both still are.
What are the passions of your partner? What were the passions of the last partners?
We sort of know, though we don't really know.
Why?
Because we have a sort of agenda. Like, what if your lover's passion was to travel constantly, to live on the road, to live in the middle of the forest. Well, you. might feel threatened. You. mean, with me?
Instead of just listening to who they are, to these deep desires, These profound ambitions.
We don't listen because we are clinging. We are hoping that this person will become something other than what they are. Or even squinting our eyes in the hopes of seeing them as something other than what they are.
When I work with clients, one of the greatest gifts I bring them, is just listening. I have to set my beliefs aside for the moment in order to understand their world.
I also noticed that after I broke up with someone, in the past, we'd have some deep, profound conversation. After there was a break in the attachment. A crack for the light to get in. And I was like, oh, this is who they are. Wow. I hadn't known that.
That's tragic, in a sense. Right?
So I want to introduce you to some alternatives.
Step 1. Banish But.
First of all, a simple tactics. Start to weed out the word 'but', the conjunction, in your thought or mind.
Why? Because it can trap you in dualities. I've read this somewhere, and I think Werner Erhard used to teach this in Est.
I wanted to go to the beach today, but it's raining.
That paints a complex constellation of events and potential into a simple duality.
I had a desire, but, that desire was negated.
What about... I wanted to go to the beach today, and it's raining.
Do you see how that breaks you out of duality, and gets you right into the heart of what is possible.
NOW you have a choice.
WE do this, more importantly, with love.
Like, if I ask you about your partner, or your last partner, or your problem, anything that you're stuck on, you'll invariably say 'but' within a sentence or two.
I was doing better, but I fell into a hole.
I was in a great relationship, but it fell apart.
I love them so much, but they don't respect me.
Etc etc.
So step 1. Banish But. Reclaim your holistic worldview.
Step 2. Track your sensations. Know your inner landscape.
Communication depends on your level of self awareness.
So, we need to step out of relating and find ourselves.
This isn't a sit on the mountain for forty years trick. This is the crash course.
I have a sensation tracking worksheet I use, and let me make a confession about this.
When I first started using it, I hated it. I thought it was rudimentary, stupid, silly. I wanted some esoteric framework, and this was too basic.
Well, you know that Book, Dr. Moody, Feeling Good? It's been shown to be more effective than pharmaceuticals for relieving depression and anxiety, and what is it? Thought tracking practices, ,basically.
So go through one or two sheets, at least, of the thought tracking. Start that now, and just do it. Do it.
What you'll notice, after a few sheets, you'll know yourself better than you had in 20 years of therapy. You'll start to see patterns, connect dots, realize distortions.
Remember. If a 'thought' is upsetting you, it isn't you. It means you've attached to a. thought as a truth, instead of a fiction.
I like to imagine thoughts like this as almost a natural process, like waves washing up on the shore, gentle waves, or like wind blowing through the grass, ok?
So, track to surface them. And I call this process sensation tracking, because there is also a correlating sensation with every thought, and vice versa.
Are sensations important? Well, they are all that you have to know that you are alive. So yes. The more you tun into them, make peace with your body, the more alive you are.
Simple.
So number three. Move from Victim to Hero
So, you'll notice that people often say that someone made them do something. Or someone made them feel something.
You make me so angry. You made me so sad.
Are you a puppet? Are you a marionette on strings?
No. No one is making you anything.
If you say 'should' to much, you're trying to make yourself do things, and failing.
So how do we get out of this victim mentality? And I agree, the whole world is caught in it lately, and all media seem to want to keep us in it.
Why?
Because victims are powerless. They attract relationships where they show up as powerless. They are easy to control, etc.
And this isn't your fault. And I hope this doesn't sound like a harsh judgement. It's just how we are brought up in this culture.
So to break out of that, first break out of it in language and thought.
VERY simple. Takes practices. If you've been in victim mode for years, getting out takes a few steps.
Here they are.
ONE. take responsibility for your feelings. I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel peaceful.
LIke if someone slams a door in your face, you don't say I feel like you slammed the door in my face!
By the way, I feel like is like a thought masquerading as a feeling. You're letting your mental chatter slip in and it can be taken as manipulative.
So, don't do that.
The ego wants to prove we're right, the other is wrong. So we need to get out of that.
Do you see how I'm using this thing, the sacredness of intimacy, as a healing path.
Since you're in relationship anyway, use it as a healing path, rather than a wounding path. Seriously. Walk away with a more intimate knowledge of yourself and the world, rather than just a broken heart and a host of regret.
When you slammed the door in my face it made me so mad.
Becomes....
When you closed the door, and I was standing there, I felt angry.
Do you see? One is accusatory. It's triggering.
The other is simply your experience from your perspective.
If we can do more and more of this in relationships, particularly in critical moments, many of the problems that we thought we had fall away.
This is adapted from Non Violent Communication by the way. People have used this is the most intense situations in the world, war torn countries, tribal feuds, etc.
This goes back to what I was saying earlier. About learning to listen.
If you can say the thing, without being triggering, THEN you can be heard. THEN you can start to listen the other way, THEN you can start to understand.
TWO. Replace should with could. I could mow the lawn today. i could pay the bills today. I could go out with her tonight. I could call my mother.
It's all choices here. You're in the relationship by choice, not in the relationship by choice (though the mind might try to convince you otherwise).
THREE. Give up being right.
Grow. Learn. Listen. Get to know. Relate.
Would you rather be right or in love? as Tony Robbins once said.
For one thing, you're probably not right.
So ask yourself, what if I'm not right?
now don't get me wrong, it's critical to cultivate certainty in business and arts and the other walks of life where it is required. Also, certainty in parenting and marriage, etc.
However, it's equally critical to let go of certainty when you're defending something that is not true. And if it is true, it's not that important that someone believes you in the moment. Perhaps you can demonstrate it later?
If I'm going to assume something, which I probably am, I train myself to assume something positive. What's the difference? You're either miserable or content based on an assumption. Choose the latter.
FOUR Give up blame, for instance, because it will keep you stuck. If you're carrying blame in the back of your head for where you are, who you are, what you're doing, let it go.
Your only chance to make a change, is from the present moment, from where you're standing. If you're blaming, you're sending energy somewhere somewhere to the past, and you're not present enough to make a change. Give up blame and take responsibility.
FIVE. There's also something in our culture going on where we worship people outside of ourselves, and we’re always spectators in our own lives. We worship sports stars or actors or fictional characters.
We need to pivot to making our own life an adventure. To become the hero in our own hero's journey, as Joseph Campbell would have put it.
And the best way to become attractive and high value is to fall in love with life again. You'll attract a higher caliber of relationship if you do nothing else. And the steps above will help you do this, because the mind, notice I say the mind instead of your mind (it isn't yours be careful what you think you own), wants to preserve you in familiar states.
Pivot to make adventure or courage or heroism a familiar state, and the mind will become an ally. Not always...more and more often.
***
So here's a summary of what you just learned.
The keys to transforming your relationship...
Step 1. Banish But.
It' puts you in dualities and oversimplifies reality. And it blocks love flowing fully.
Step 2. Track your Sensations
After all, they're the evidence that you're alive. The more awareness of them, the more alive you are.
Step 3. Move out of 'Victim hood' Become Hero in your life.
Take responsibility for your feelings. No one makes you feel.
Choose could over should. It's your life. Choose obligations that matter.
Give up being right, and choose love instead. Be certain where it matters.
Give up blame for where you are, so you can go where you need to go.
Become a hero, a producer, rather than a spectator, a cocsumer.
Because ultimately, falling in love with life overflows into any relationship.
So those three steps can heal your relationship. And help you create relationships that seemed impossible before.
You need to remember, my mantra, from fracture to rapture. You'll use the wounds y9ou've sustained to fuel your growth. not only that, they become like the fertile soil that nourishes you.
Now, i'm completely confident that these steps and stages can utterly transform your relationships, and your life. I want to move that number rating you gave to recent partners up, up, up. Until anything low, any manipulation, feels so alien to you that it just doesn't jive and it stops showing up.
However, do you know how the mind is prone to distraction? WE fall into overwhelm. There are countless shiny objects to pursue. We need to work just to put out fires before we make our lives work. Right?
Don't fall into that.
Make it work now. So that in the future, in a few months, you're looking back thinking: I'm glad I did that, rather than, damn, still the same equation. Still putting out fires.
This is one of the symbolic acts of getting out of victim-hood. Taking action to move in the direction of your dreams.
I designed Rapture to guide you through these critical skills and distinctions over the course of 9 weeks. I guarantee you'll be more empowered in relationship if you implement. And I will be there to help you implement.
Let me say one more thing. Once you commit to yourself to make these shifts, you're stepping into another, better timeline. You're evolving. And sometimes, when you jostle things loose, you'll notice a little chaos surfacing.
That's just all of the unresolved baggage freeing itself. I've seen this countless times. So when you learn and implement a new skill, there is this integration process, and I want to be able to help you with that, so you don't lose faith, and so you remain on the path.
So that's it. If you're one of the 1% that is determined to live life at a higher lever, let's do this. You owe it to yourself and future generations, humans around you, children or grandchildren if you have them.
You know, painful relationship patterns can be anguish. What's worse is when we don't resolve them, and they start to pass to our children. Commit to changing.
I was in challenging relationships my whole life. Fortunately, the broken neck ushered me into a new world. I started healing that, and relationships got progressively better. And then in 2016, I had children.
I wasn't planning on on it. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm grateful every day that I worked and laid the groundwork before now.
However, it's never too late. People may look at you wide eyed, shocked, when you begin to change. Recruit them into this process. Say I want to be a better husband, father, mother, wife, partner friend, etc. And these are the things I'll be working on. Help me if you hear me say 'but' or 'you make me feel' please let me know. I'm doing this to make us all happier.
So, again, I'm Steven Budden. I look forward to working with you. And even if we don't work together, go out into the world now, don't wait, and start using the strategies I've just laid out.
It will shave 10 years off of your journey of relationship healing. And it will help with other obstacles in your life as well.
Welcome to the new world my friend. Welcome to Rapture.